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I’m learning that when I get stressed/scared to the point that I will begin to be paranoid, I need to just take a break, sit back, and think about nothing for a while.  I’m also beginning to learn where the line is that divides stress/fear and paranoia.  Doing this will help me to not cross it.

When I got up from laying my bed, I realized that I have been shown and given all the tools necessary to do this job, and to make my photo lab amazing.  I talked to both of my old Department Managers today.  They both said that I am completely qualified for this job, that I know what to do, and that I should do great.  But I hadn’t seen it in myself.  But you know what?  I do know what needs to be done, I know how to get it done, and I know what steps to take to ensure that it gets done in the future. 

I’ve never before seen myself as any sort of a leader, but over the past few weeks, with Mr. V, Don, Kevin, and Claudia telling me that I am, I’ve finally realized it in myself.  I am going to take a photo lab that has neglected equipment, no staff, no business, and that has been unprofitable, and I am going to make it great.  Even without a staff, I can still make the machines run great, begin building business, and begin making us profitable.  I have the tools, and I have the drive.

I’ve always liked challenges in my life.  I thrive on them.  It’s only since Jennifer left that I’ve chosen to run away from them.  Honestly, the main reason I started dating her is because I had never taken care of a child before, and I wanted to see if I could.  And I am capable of it.  I am capable of dealing with my Mom’s nearly-imminent death in a constructive way, I am capable of staying faithful to you until you finally get out here, and I am capable of being the responsible, professional 19-year-old who single-handly turned the worst department at my store into the best, most efficient, most profitable department at my store. 

My future looks bright, even without college.  I’ve just been too busy looking at my feet all this time.  But I finally–today–lifted my head up and saw the sun.

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